BY JUSTIN JUUL

There’s this weird thing that happens in your brain when you’re about to turn 30. All of a sudden you begin to sense that the best part of your life is ending and that you’d better figure shit out quickly before the rest of your life starts to suck. The possibility that you might die, broke and alone, becomes more of a reality and you begin to obsess about “getting your life on track.” Most people go through a series of dramatic lifestyle changes at this point. They get “real jobs,” stop drinking whiskey every night, cut their hair short, and start dressing a like a mannequin from the Gap or whatever. They stop caring about parties and music and art, and they become infatuated with stability. These are the people you see in early evening sitcoms and on cereal commercials — happy Americans with smiling children, mini vans, and tract homes. But then there are people like Merkley, people who decided, somewhere around 30, that they didn’t want any of that shit.

Merkley is a photographer/artist who lives near the Haight district in a giant street-level apartment in a building that he also owns. That means that he doesn’t pay rent and that he’s free do whatever the hell he wants all the time. His daily activities vary from month to month, but they almost always include taking pictures of naked women, drinking liquor, listening to DEVO, and thinking about his idol, Flavor Flav. When he’s not busy with that, he’s hanging out with his dogs, Snortzle and Butterface, or painting super-intricate pictures of old men in suits playing accordions on donkeys.

Merkley is who I want to be when I grow up (minus the hippie hair). You can buy his limited-edition coffee table book, 111 ??? [SF Women You Know, at Home on the Sofa in their Favorite Shoes], here.

MEET: Merkley, where are you going? I thought we were gonna do this interview.
Merkley: Yes! Wow, you’re right on time, aren’t you? I was just heading to the liquor store for some chocolate milk, but fuck it. I already have plenty. Come on in.

MEET: Cool. Why do you need so much chocolate milk?
Merkley: Oh. It’s for this drink. I invented it. It’s called Chocolate Milk and Vodka. Want some?

MEET: Well, it’s 1:00 in the afternoon, and I gotta drive soon, so I think I better stick to three beers for now. Don’t let me drink more than that.
Merkley: Sounds good to me. So what do you wanna know?

MEET: First, how do you get all these girls to take their clothes off for you? Are they just hard-up porno chicks from Craigslist or something?

Merkley: No, I know all of them. My whole point with my book is to say, “Look, if you’re a guy like me living in San Francisco, these are the people you know. And this is what they look like naked.” You probably know some of these girls too, actually. As far as my method goes, it’s pretty simple. There’s this drug called Rohypnol. You can get it at frats, fraternities. Those dudes always have it. I use that a lot. If you want to get girls naked you should really hook up with those guys. I also use coercion. Sometimes I’ll cry. You know, typical tricks we use to get girls to do stuff.

MEET: Sounds pretty easy.
Merkley: Well, you could try all that, but you’re probably not gonna get anywhere without Photoshop skills. I think that’s really what does it for me. They can’t say no to a dude that knows his way around Photoshop.

MEET: If you have Photoshop skills, the bitches will flock? Is that what you’re saying?
Merkley: Pretty much, yeah. They really can’t wait to take off their clothes for people like me.

MEET: Wait, what are we talking about? Could you turn your TV off? I can’t concentrate with this Project Runway shit blaring in the background.
Merkley: What? Seriously? Are you one of those guys who grew up without television? Not me man; I gotta have background noise. Silence makes me uneasy, I think. That’s why I sleep out by the street. My bedroom is right above traffic.

MEET: I have one of those wave machines that makes rain sounds and shit, but it’s hard to do an interview and watch TV at the same time.
Merkley: What are you, some kind of hippie?

MEET: Ha! You’re the fucking hippie. Look at your hair. Look at your house! You don’t even own one thing from IKEA and you have a walk-in closet full of frilly shirts and corduroy suits and shit. Your ashtray has pistachios in it. And besides…even if I am a hippie, at least I’m not a Mormon hippie. What’s up with that anyway?
Merkley: I’m from Utah. I got polygamy heritage. My shit goes back to Joseph Smith. My relatives were the original suckers. I have 17 siblings!

MEET: Weird. Are you still involved in all that stuff?
Merkley: Not anymore, but I was pretty heavy into it up until I was about 25. I went on a mission to Brazil and everything. Converted a bunch a people.

MEET: How did that feel?
Merkley: Well, you know, when I was converting people I tried to focus on all the good things that all religions have in common instead of all the weird traditions and shit that nobody understands. So I would just be like, “Look, you gotta love your brother. Don’t steal. Don’t be a dick.” It makes a lot of sense. It’s good stuff. So, yeah. Interacting with people on that level was pretty rewarding.

MEET: Did the Brazilians actually want to be converted?
Merkley: Well, some of them did and some of them didn’t. I didn’t force anything. What I enjoyed was the psychology of it. Some Mormons fail at converting and they make a nuisance of themselves because they, like, start converting a woman and her husband gets mad. It brings conflict into the household. I was much better than that. My technique was to get the dad on board first…because he’s the point man. If you don’t get him, you’re fucked, you know? But if the dad starts to think you’re awesome, then the rest family’s squared away. It’s a very male-centric culture down there. So other Mormons would be wasting their time baptizing wives and I’d be doing whole families.

MEET: So what, you just got sick of after a while?
Merkley: Yeah, I did. I mean, I’m an atheist now. I’d go back and apologize to all those people if I could, but most of them probably aren’t Mormons anymore, you know? Hey, I’m gonna have another Chocolate Milk and Vodka. Are you sure you don’t want one?

MEET: Yeah man, I’m sure. Thanks though. Um, so what did you do after the Mormon thing?
Merkley: Well, that was a long time ago. I’m 41 years old now, you know. I’ve done a lot since then. I was a music promoter for a while. I did graphic design. Stuff like that.

MEET: Wow, you’re old, dude. How does that feel?
Merkley: My bones hurt. I have urinary tract problems. Constant leekage. I gotta wear diapers sometimes. Really, it’s all down hill from 30.

MEET: So, when did you stop working and start doing art? Did you go to art school or anything?
Merkley: Art school? No way. No offense to people who go to school or whatever, but I’ve always believed that if you get it, you get it; and if you don’t, you don’t. I think art school actually ruins a lot of people. They go in with all these ideas and come out with formulas and shit. And most of the teachers are washed up and sad. I really believe that those who can, do. And those who can’t, teach. And then those who can’t teach, administrate. It’s all bullshit. As far as jobs go, I think the last job I had was back in 1993. I was doing computer illustration for early children’s software. I thought it was going pretty good, but then they just fired me one day.

MEET: Why’d they fire you?
Merkley: They didn’t come right out and fire me. They kind of just gave me an ultimatum. They said I could either stop sleeping under my desk or I could leave forever. So I just left.

MEET: Seriously? You were actually sleeping under your desk?
Merkley: Well, my rationale was that because I was so much better than everyone else, I deserved a little downtime, you know? My co-workers were getting paid the same amount as me and they weren’t nearly as efficient, so I took liberties. I would come in late and leave early and I would conduct personal business over the company phone. I was actually a band manager at the time and I was running my business out of their office. They didn’t like that at all. When I built that little fort under my desk it was the last straw. I’m basically unemployable.

MEET: So then you came to San Francisco? Why’d you choose this place?
Merkley: I always loved San Francisco, but to be honest, my decision to come here had to do with early speculation on the Internet boom and property prices and shit. I always loved the way the houses were stacked right up on top of each other…just, like, these huge canyons of houses. So I figured, shit, if I’m ever gonna buy a house in San Francisco, I should do it now. And I got lucky. I got this house before everything got all crazy. I beat the rush.

MEET: So you’re a landlord? You must be the coolest fucking landlord in town.
Merkley: I am. Definitely. In fact, I just got a note from one of my tenants. It said, “You are the best landlord I’ve ever had.” It’s the easiest job in the world. I can just do this all day. I can paint, fuck around on Photoshop. Art. Whatever.

MEET: Yeah, speaking of art, do you have any shows coming up?
Merkley: Well I always have a show on Flickr, but I don’t really like doing galleries. I don’t see the point. I mean, if I do a show at a big huge museum, how many people are gonna see it? But if I put my stuff on Flickr, 50,000 people will see it in one month. I might do a 3D show with View Masters at some point. I just gotta figure out what technology I want to use. So stay tuned for that. I really like Flickr though. All that Internet shit just cuts out the middleman. I don’t have to kiss anyone’s ass. And any artist that starts bitching about not being able to get anywhere is full of shit. You don’t have to suck anyone’s dick. You don’t have to go through curators and shit. We live in the fuck you-est of times. For Sure. And it’s only getting better.

MEET: And what about journalism? I know this super talented guy who’s thinking of getting his masters degree in journalism, but he’s not sure if it’s worth the money or time. He’s wondering if he should just keep doing what he’s doing and forget about school. Any advice?
Merkley: Same shit. I don’t know man. If you’re passionate about what you do, then everything will work out, I guess. Are you sure you don’t want some Chocolate Milk and Vodka? It’s weird because you think it’s gonna taste like sweet milk-chocolate, but the vodka creates this bitterness so it actually kinda tastes like dark chocolate. Come on, have some.

MEET: All right, all right. Thanks.

CONTACT MERKLEY: FACEBOOK, MYSPACE, FLICKR, TWITTER, WEBSITE